Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


Ya gotta laugh at the less-than dismal turnout for Joe The Plumber’s book signing at a recent Washington conservative conference. Five copies sold, Joe? Really? That’s only five more than I sold of my new Joe The Plumber Is A Bald Douchebag book, and it’s not even out yet.

Joe, if we didn’t give a shit about you during the election, we’re sure not going to now. My bathtub drain is kinda clogged, though, if you brought your snake…

As bad as it is, I bet Joe’s book still outsells Dubya’s future memoirs.

Speaking of failed books, seems that Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich purportedly signed a “six figure” book deal. Could someone please tell me why? This thing’s gonna go over as well as a Kurt Cobain suicide hotline.

Looks like the US military will finally do away with one of its most disgustingly Ward Cleaver-esque policies in ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ What they’ll soon discover is our military already had more gays than the front row of a Coldplay concert.

Instead of the Green Berets, it’ll the Raspberry Berets. The Navy SEALS will become Cute Little Furry Snow Seals. (Seamen, however will keep their title.) Watch out Al Qaeda — we’ll scratch your eyes out!

Of course, the secret weapon will be the new, fully fortified lesbian battalions. Muslims already fear empowered women. Wait til they get a load of a whole platoon of sweaty, angry bull dykes comin’ at ‘em! Yo, Osama! We got your 72 ‘virgins’ right here, pal!