Seven Deadly Smacks
By Kevin White


Ex-SNL’er Tina Fey does such a dead-on Sarah Palin impersonation, one has to wonder why Fey doesn’t just take the nomination herself. She couldn’t be any less qualified. I mean, at least Tina grew up in, ya know, civilization.

Wall Street sure knows how to stick it in and break it off, don’t they? Yep, the same folks who brought us Black Tuesday, The Great Depression, and then a host of Reagan-era savings & loan hits, struck again this month with the single largest one-day drop in US history. Congratulations, boys! Here, why don’t you take $700 billion or so until you can get back on your feet again? You’ve...you’ve earned it.

Maybe their goal was to end the immigration problem by making the economy so bad, illegal aliens would be fleeing for the borders in search of ‘the good life’ the Third World has to offer.

The upside is we’d have plenty of jobs open for those former Wall Street douchebags who are now out of work. An America where some blowhard with a Cornell business degree is cutting my grass, a Wharton financier is washing my car and a Yale Man is the Mail Man sounds like an America I can love!

As if Dancing With The Stars wasn’t gay enough already, now they’ve got Lance frickin’ Bass (N’SYNC) on there. He was so scintillating as host of that piece of shit karaoke show that lasted six episodes, they figured it couldn’t miss!

If you think about it, they have very few actual stars on there at all. I mean, J. Peterman? Slater from Saved By The Bell? Marshall Faulk? Now this has-been gay dude? It should really be called Dancing With The Peripherally Famous But Well Past Their Prime. Ten bucks says the Two Coreys are on there before it’s all said and done.

Oh, if only I were programming director at ABC. Next spring, we’d have Lesbian Dancing With The Stars! You’d have well-known ones like Ellen DeGeneres, Anne Heche and Lindsay Lohan “showing the ropes” to straight girls like Scarlett Johansson, Kate Hudson and Anna Paquin. Nothing but slow dances and the Lambada, baby! Um, excuse me for a minute…